A Practical Guide for Understanding and Resolving Conflict in Intentional Communities
One of the biggest concerns people have about joining an intentional community is this:
What if there’s conflict?
Most of us (myself included) get uncomfortable when there’s even a whiff of tension. Conflict can trigger old wounds—childhood trauma, past relationship dynamics, or current stressors. We think, If I can barely manage conflict with my family, how would I handle living with a bunch of strangers?
In a world full of polarized debates, a lack of emotional literacy, and a competitive education system, we’re rarely taught what healthy conflict resolution looks like.
But if you’re considering community living, here’s a truth you need to hear:
Conflict in intentional communities is not just inevitable—it’s essential.
Why conflict in intentional communities happens
Intentional communities don’t exist to avoid conflict. In fact, many are founded on the idea that we can learn to relate more consciously—even through difficulty.
When I hear a community say, “Oh, we never have conflict,” that’s a red flag. It usually means something is festering beneath the surface.
I speak from experience. One of the first intentional communities I lived in proudly told me during my tour that they’d had no major conflicts in ten years. Less than a year after I moved in, a major community rupture occurred, and the founder left.
Conflict isn’t the problem—it’s how we respond that makes or breaks the health of a community.
Conflict styles and personality types in community
One reason conflict in intentional communities can feel so intense is that we all bring different conflict styles to the table. Some people avoid. Others confront. Some internalize their reactions, while others process everything out loud in real time.
Frameworks like the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument (TKI) identify five common styles:
- Avoiding
- Competing
- Accommodating
- Compromising
- Collaborating
Recognizing your default style can help you navigate disagreements more consciously—and with more compassion for others.
In addition to conflict style, many communities use personality tools like the Enneagram or Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) to better understand group dynamics. For instance, a Type 9 might avoid conflict to keep the peace, while a Type 8 might lean in directly and assertively. Neither approach is inherently wrong—but without understanding, these differences can easily lead to misunderstandings or hurt feelings.
There are also a myriad of personal, social, cultural, and environmental factors that shape how we experience and express conflict. One of my Community Finders Circle members, Henrik Hillerstrom, compiled a fascinating list of contributors to conflict style, drawing from various psychological theories. Check out his list here. Some examples include:
- Birth order – Older siblings may tend to take on leadership or control roles, while younger ones might seek harmony or attention in different ways.
- Color therapy – Believe it or not, the paint on your walls might impact your stress levels. Bright or overstimulating colors may raise anxiety for some, subtly influencing how reactive or calm a space feels.
- Cultural background – What’s considered respectful, assertive, or even “conflict” in one culture may not register the same way in another.
- Household norms – If you grew up in a home where yelling was normal or silence was weaponized, your baseline for tension may be totally different than your neighbor’s.
The more we can understand these influences—not just in ourselves but in those around us—the more skillfully we can navigate community life. Conflict isn’t just about clashing personalities. It’s about how layers of identity, experience, and conditioning interact in shared space.
Conflict in intentional communities is a personal growth journey
Living in a community is often described as the longest, hardest, most expensive personal development workshop you’ll ever take.
Why? Because it’s like living in a hall of mirrors. You’re constantly receiving feedback—solicited or not—about how you show up.
One of the most transformative moments of my life came during a feedback circle at a month-long Ecovillage Design Education (EDE) course in Nicaragua. Standing in front of the group, I braced myself for recognition—and instead got silence, followed by comments like “You’re cute” and “I wish you’d talk more.” I was mortified. Angry. Hurt.
But that moment cracked something open in me. I realized the version of myself I thought I was wasn’t coming across. That disconnect fueled years of inner work and growth.
Today, I teach others how to receive feedback as a tool for transformation. Tip: When someone gives you feedback—especially if it stings—just say, “Thank you for the feedback.” That’s it. No defensiveness. No fixing. Just receive it and reflect.
Tools for navigating conflict in intentional communities
Self-Awareness
The more you invest in self-awareness, mindfulness, and pattern recognition, the easier time you’ll have navigating shared life. Notice your triggers, responses, and tendencies early on. Becoming aware of your habitual reactions—whether it’s withdrawing, getting defensive, trying to fix others, or seeking approval—allows you to make more conscious choices when tension arises.
Practices that support self-awareness include journaling, therapy, mindfulness meditation, breathwork, somatic practices, and simply asking trusted friends for honest feedback.
Most of us don’t learn these things in school, so making the extra effort to develop both inner and inter-personal development skills can go a long way in community!
Nonviolent Communication (NVC)
Nonviolent Communication is a communication framework developed by psychologist Marshall Rosenberg. It’s based on the principles of empathy, needs-awareness, and non-judgmental expression. NVC helps people communicate in ways that foster connection rather than blame or criticism.
Many intentional communities offer NVC trainings to help new members build shared language and improve emotional resilience.
However, it’s worth noting that NVC—like any tool—can be misused. Sometimes, people wield the language of NVC to dominate conversations, invalidate emotions, or sidestep accountability. When used rigidly or without emotional fluency, it can come across as manipulative or performative rather than authentic. For this reason, some communities have developed a cautious relationship with NVC or blended it with other practices.
More tools for handling conflict in intentional communities
NVC is just one of many communication tools available. Other helpful approaches include:
- The Ways of Council – A circle-based sharing practice emphasizing deep listening and speaking from the heart
- Restorative Circles – A community-based conflict transformation process designed to restore relationships
- Circling and Authentic Relating – Modalities that build presence, connection, and real-time emotional awareness
- Imago Dialogue – A structured conversation technique used in relationship counseling and groups
- Possibility Management – A deep personal transformation system focused on emotional responsibility and conscious communication
- Dynamic Governance (Sociocracy) – Offers not just decision-making processes but also feedback loops that help prevent and resolve interpersonal conflict
Each community tends to adopt the communication tools that resonate most with its culture and values. For example, a famous federation of communities in Italy, called Damanhur, stages mock battles (complete with foam swords and rubber shields) to cathartically release the tensions of an emerging conflict.
The important thing is to develop a shared container—whether it’s a language, a ritual, or a framework—that supports growth, respect, and accountability.
Anticipating Conflict: The 3 (or 5) Ps and the power of group agreements
Intentional communities that thrive over time usually have one thing in common: clear group agreements—and a proactive approach to common conflict triggers.
There’s a well-known saying in cohousing circles that most community conflicts boil down to “The 3 Ps”:
- Pets – Think barking dogs, unleashed animals, disagreements about roaming cats or indoor/outdoor rules.
- Parents – Clashing parenting philosophies, kids fighting, or tensions around child-free versus family-inclusive expectations.
- Parking – A surprisingly persistent issue! Limited space, unclear rules, shared vehicles, and car shuffling can all create friction.
Some communities expand the list with two more Ps:
- Participation – When some members feel others aren’t pulling their weight—whether in cooking, cleanup, garden work, or attending meetings—it can quickly breed resentment.
- Pennies – Financial tensions arise over dues, expenses, shared resources, or perceptions of fairness in how money is handled.
The key to navigating these common landmines is to anticipate them—and address them before they turn into interpersonal blowups.
That’s where group agreements come in. These shared understandings act like a community’s immune system, helping prevent issues before they spiral. While they vary by group, most agreements include:
- Communication norms (e.g., don’t interrupt, use “I” statements, be accountable for your emotions)
- Decision-making models (consensus, sociocracy, dynamic governance)
- Expectations for shared responsibilities (like chores, food, meeting attendance)
- Policies around pets, children, guests, finances, and personal space
The most effective agreements are co-created by the community—not imposed by a few—and are regularly revisited as the group evolves.
Shared agreements don’t eliminate conflict, but they give everyone a map to navigate it more skillfully. They turn confusion into clarity and transform friction into an opportunity for growth and alignment.
Resolution procedures for conflict in intentional communities
Every established intentional community should have a clear conflict resolution process. Here’s a deeper look at the most basic pattern:
Step 1 – Direct communication
The two people or parties speak with each other directly. It’s amazing how difficult this first step can be for some people. They’d rather talk to anyone (or everyone) else in the community about the issue before approaching the person involved. This kind of “back talking” can wreak havoc and should be actively discouraged.
If you find yourself in the position of listening to someone complain about another person, don’t feed into the habit. Instead, gently redirect them: encourage them to speak to the person directly and not to share anything they wouldn’t want repeated. Pleas for confidentiality can be veiled gossip, so proceed with caution.
Direct communication—though uncomfortable—can head off 99% of conflicts before they spiral.
Step 2 – Mediation
If direct conversation doesn’t resolve the issue, it’s time to bring in a mediator. This might be a designated community member trained in mediation, or someone from a pre-established “care team”—a group committed to supporting conflict resolution within the community. In some cases, an outside mediator may be brought in for neutrality.
Step 3 – Wider group involvement
When mediation fails or if the issue has broader community implications, the matter is brought to a larger group—sometimes the entire community. This step can involve structured group dialogue, circles, or forums designed to surface perspectives and foster collective understanding.
Step 4 – Asking a member to leave (in extreme cases)
This is always a last resort. Every effort should be made to find a solution that maintains the integrity of the group while respecting individual dignity. However, if resolution isn’t possible and a person’s behavior is consistently misaligned with community values, they may be asked to leave.
It’s important to understand that asking someone to leave their home is serious and often subject to legal constraints. In many places, formal eviction processes require documentation and due process, and unanimous or supermajority agreement may be needed.
The best-case scenario is that conflict in intentional communities is avoided before it begins by having a solid membership process and onboarding system. Communities should invest time upfront to ensure alignment before someone moves in—and build in regular check-ins during any trial or provisional membership period.
The stages of group formation: Forming, storming, norming
One helpful framework for understanding conflict is the “Forming, Storming, Norming, Performing” model developed by psychologist Bruce Tuckman. It describes the phases that all groups go through as they develop.
- Forming: Group members are polite, figuring each other out, avoiding conflict
- Storming: Differences emerge; tensions rise; conflict surfaces
- Norming: The group develops shared norms and resolves initial conflict
- Performing: The group reaches a stage of effective cooperation and collaboration
I see this pattern play out even during our week-long Ecovillage Tours. At the beginning, everyone is kind and courteous. By day three or four, little frictions emerge—someone’s always late, another person talks too much, or there’s disagreement about how we spend group time. But then… something shifts. People begin to speak more honestly, give each other grace, and work together to improve the group dynamic. By the end of the tour, there’s a deep sense of camaraderie.
Communities go through these stages over and over again—whenever a new member joins, a conflict arises, or the group takes on a new challenge. Recognizing where your group is in this cycle can help you meet conflict in intentional communities with patience and perspective.
Policies and consultants for navigating conflict in intentional communities
Many intentional communities have developed detailed, field-tested conflict resolution processes to help them navigate interpersonal challenges with grace and integrity. These examples highlight how communities formalize their approach—and where outside support from experienced process consultants can play a crucial role in designing and facilitating those systems.
Learn from their experiences:
- Conflict Resolution Tools — Compiled by Yana Ludwig
- Karen Gimnig — Process Consultant for Intentional Communities
- Emerson Commons — Conflict Resolution Team Mandate
- Halton Senior Co-Housing Project — Basic Steps for Restoring Peace
- Haven Land and Community — Holistic Practices for Navigating Conflict
- Tamera — Forum Process and Deep Peace Building
These documents and practices offer real-world insight into how communities prepare for and respond to conflict—and how skilled consultants can support healthy process, communication, and transformation along the way.
Embrace the messiness—and the growth
We often hear it said that living in community is like being in a rock tumbler. You bump up against others. You grind down your sharp edges. Over time, you become a more polished version of yourself.
Conflict doesn’t have to be a deal-breaker. In fact, it can be a powerful teacher—if you’re willing to engage with it intentionally.
Ready to join community—conflict and all?
If you’re feeling both excited and intimidated by the idea of living in community—you’re not alone.
That’s exactly why I created resources to support you on this journey.
- Preorder my upcoming book on intentional communities—packed with stories, lessons, and practical tools like this one.
- Join our Community Finders Circle, an online group coaching program offering guidance, clarity, and a supportive network of fellow seekers.
- Book a one-on-one session with me to explore what kind of community fits your values and lifestyle—and how to move forward.
- Visit real intentional communities during an upcoming Ecovillage Tour and get to travel within an emerging community of fellow participants.
Conflict is part of community. And with the right tools and support, you can not only handle it—you can grow from it.
This excellent article is so helpful… for preparing for IC, and also for so many areas of life! Thank you! I wish I could think of a helpful suggestion, but I cannot. It’s as complete as can be.