How to Get Your Partner Onboard: The Couple’s Guide to Find an Intentional Community

Published July 24, 2024
Written by Cynthia Tina

Do you want to find an intentional community to join along with your significant other? 

Entering into community life as a couple can be deeply fulfilling. 

The support and companionship you find with each other can be extended into a wider network of relationships among your neighbors. Your relationship can be both challenged and supported by a community that shares your values, hopefully creating even more growth for you as individuals and a couple.

In many ways, the steps to joining an intentional community will look the same regardless if you are doing the search solo or as a couple. 

The challenging part can be finding a community that is suited to you both. Rarely is a couple aligned on wanting all of the exact same things in a community.

The community search can be especially challenging if your partner is resistant.

Sometimes one person is skeptical or even outright opposed to the idea of community living. 

However, when joining a community, both partners need to play an active role in the membership process if they intend to both live in the community.

Finding an intentional community isn’t something where only one half “does the community thing,” while the other just goes along for the ride. 

If you are desiring to live in an intentional community but have a partner who is dragging their feet, take heart. Here are 8 strategies you can try to warm them up to the idea.

The Couples Guide to Find an Intentional Community

1. Talk about what you both ideally want for housing and community

The first step to getting on the same page is to have an open and honest conversation about what you both ideally want for housing and community. This discussion should include your desires for privacy, social interaction, amenities, and location. Think about which type of intentional community most appeals to you and why.

Use this conversation to understand your partner’s concerns and aspirations.

Discussing your ideal community living situation can help you identify common goals and potential areas of compromise. For example, one partner might prioritize sustainability, while the other values proximity to urban amenities. Finding a balance between these priorities can help both partners feel heard and considered.

It’s essential to approach this conversation without judgment. Be open to your partner’s perspectives and try to understand their reservations. By fostering a supportive environment, you can create a foundation for a collaborative community search.

2. Take the Community Type Quiz separately and then compare your results

A fun and low-pressure way to build some curiosity about community living is to take the Community Type Quiz separately and then compare your results. This quick 2-minute quiz can help get your wheels turning around what’s important to you in a community. It offers a playful approach to exploring your preferences and can be a great conversation starter.

Once you’ve both completed the quiz, sit down together and discuss your results. Compare your community types and see where they align or differ. This exercise can be enlightening and might reveal unexpected areas of interest or concern. It’s an engaging way to start thinking about the kind of community that would suit you both.

The quiz can also help identify your priorities, such as environmental sustainability, social interaction, or specific amenities. Understanding these priorities can guide your search and make it more targeted and effective.

3. Complete the Community Wishlist Worksheet separately and then compare

A practical exercise to help align your visions is to complete the Community Wishlist Worksheet separately and then compare your lists. This worksheet will include factors like location, size, amenities, values, and community activities.

By doing this exercise independently, you can ensure that both partners’ needs and desires are fully expressed without influence from the other.

Once you’ve completed your lists, sit down together and compare them. Highlight the points of commonality and difference, and use this as a basis for further discussion. Identifying areas of agreement can be reassuring and highlight shared goals, while differences can open up opportunities for compromise and deeper understanding.

This exercise can also reveal any misconceptions or assumptions you might have about each other’s preferences. Clarifying these can lead to more productive conversations and a more harmonious search for the right community.

4. Find the points of commonality and difference… and areas for compromise

After comparing your community wishlists, the next step is to find the points of commonality and difference. Focus on the areas where your preferences align, as these will be your foundation for finding a suitable community. Equally important is identifying areas where your preferences diverge and discussing possible compromises.

For example, if one partner values a large, private living space while the other is open to more communal living arrangements, look for communities that offer a variety of housing options. This way, you can find a middle ground that satisfies both partners’ needs.

Remember that compromise doesn’t mean sacrificing your core values or desires.

Instead, it involves finding creative solutions that respect both partners’ wishes. By approaching these discussions with a spirit of collaboration, you can strengthen your relationship and increase your chances to find an intentional community that works for both of you.

5. Take a community “vacation” by staying in an intentional community

One effective way to warm your partner up to the idea of intentional community living is to take a community “vacation.” Stay in an Airbnb or retreat center within an intentional community to get a firsthand experience of what community living is like. This temporary immersion can provide valuable insights and help dispel any myths or fears your partner might have. 

Read the Guide to Visiting an Intentional Community to prepare for your first visit to an intentional community. 

During your stay, participate in community activities, meet current residents, and ask questions about their experiences. This will give you both a better understanding of the day-to-day realities of community living and allow you to see if it aligns with your preferences and values.

A community vacation can also serve as a low-pressure way to explore different communities and get a sense of what works best for you as a couple. It can be an eye-opening experience that brings you closer to find an intentional community.

6. Get inspired about intentional community living

Expanding your knowledge and network can be instrumental in warming your partner up to the idea of intentional community living. Start by connecting with people who already live in communities. Attend events, join online forums, and reach out to community members to hear about their experiences firsthand. Here’s a list of intentional community events.

Additionally, watch videos and read books about community living. There are numerous resources available that showcase the benefits and challenges of this lifestyle. By exposing your partner to diverse perspectives, you can help them see the potential positives and address any concerns they might have. Here’s a list of intentional community books to get started with.

Engaging with these resources together can also spark meaningful conversations and provide a shared foundation of knowledge. This can be especially helpful if your partner is hesitant or skeptical, as it allows them to explore the idea of community living at their own pace.

7. Commit to doing your community search together or not at all

Finally, it’s crucial to commit to doing your community search together or not at all. Finding and joining an intentional community is a significant decision that requires both partners to be fully invested. Approach the search as a team, with both partners actively participating in the research, visits, and decision-making process.

By committing to this journey together, you can ensure that both partners feel valued and involved. This shared commitment can also strengthen your relationship and increase your chances of finding a community that meets both of your needs.

If one partner remains resistant despite your efforts, it might be worth reconsidering the timing or exploring other ways to incorporate community elements into your current lifestyle.

Remember, the goal is to find a living situation that enhances both of your lives and strengthens your partnership.

8. Have a Community Matchmaking Session to find an intentional community that’s a match for you both

Consider scheduling a Community Matchmaking Session to get expert advice on identifying communities that are a match for both of you. These sessions can provide personalized recommendations based on your unique preferences and needs, making the search process more efficient and less overwhelming.

A Community Matchmaking Session can also help address any lingering concerns or questions you might have. By leveraging the expertise of a community matchmaker, you can gain valuable insights and guidance that can make your journey towards community living smoother and more enjoyable.

Find an intentional community, together

Finding the right intentional community as a couple can be a rewarding and transformative experience. By approaching the process with openness, collaboration, and a willingness to compromise, you can overcome resistance and find a community that enriches both of your lives.

Drop a comment below if you found this article helpful. Have you tried any of these strategies to get your partner onboard to find an intentional community? Please share your advice, questions, and stories from your experience.

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Cynthia Tina

Hi! I’m Cynthia.

I’ve visited 150+ intentional communities — ecovillages, cohousing, coops, spiritual, permaculture, & more types of community. I created CommunityFinders to help you on your community journey. How is your journey going? How can I help?

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